The Ponderings of Dizzz

I never imagined how horrible pre-teen years can be for a parent. These young people, not yet adults, seem to think that their way is the only way and GOD help you if they don’t get it. My daughter is a primo example of this. When she was a small child, she was sweet, loving and agreeable. All she wanted was hugs, kisses and some quality time. Now this once adorable child is argumentative, disrespectful and just plain mean at times. In her defense, she was spoiled and coddled. I suppose I felt it made up for it just being her and me. Now her family has been extended to include a stepfather and baby brother, plus my husband’s family. She is growing up, and with that I have made a realization that she needs to be reined in, because she seems to not want to listen to anyone of authority. But how does one balance reining in and not alienating your child?

The jealousy of her new (18 months) brother is understandable; she was always the baby and was the center of attention. She loves him, don’t misunderstand, but the underlying “hate” is there. She is trying to be her own person at the same time, so I try to allow her to grow in her own direction to an extent. I was never a really strict parent maybe that is where I went wrong. I think everyone has at least once said “I won’t be like that when “I” am a parent.” But in the end as a parent you realize you can’t always be their “friend”. Sometimes it is tough love time. My daughter has been having “tough love” for a while now.

How far is too far discipline wise? What do you do when nothing works, and the child still does not listen? Therapy perhaps?? Trying it, but it is not working all that well. (Subject for a blog another time). In today’s society we have created fearless teens. you get punished for punishing them. When I was a child, I got my rear-end beat if I was disrespectful. Oh it hurt, but it taught me not to repeat said behavior. Now if you spank a child you could loose the child due to the laws surrounding the idea of punishment. Time Outs??? Give me a freaking break here! It doesn’t work people; I hate to burst your proverbial bubbles. We have a society of disrespectful punks out there who could probably benefit from a red rear-end.

But I sway from the root of the topic. Even though she does get the needed punishments as needed, (lost her dvd player, PS2, and phone from her room) sometimes she gets nice things done for her. She wanted to cut her hair short during the holidays. “Fine, it is your hair”, I said. This is true and I hated when my mother chose my haircuts. So she has had this hip new do for a half a year. Now she wants to grow it out but…. DUN DUN DUN…. She would really like to color the tips of her bangs pink…… I am not THAT cool. Pink??? No way! A compromise perhaps? How about light brown??? How about we see how much this excursion will cost? Surprisingly, it was really quite affordable. So FC, if you read this, your niece has highlighted bang tips, prepare yourself on Friday!

Over the past 30+ years of my life, the views and opinions of what friendship truly is have matured and changed, at least from my perspective. As our understanding of people and the roles they play in our lives change, so do the expectations one has of each/all of their friends. Some of these expectations can be larger than what is really sensible, but given the emotional nature of human being, I suppose that is only natural. This blog/note is to bring to people’s attention the treasures they have in their lives in their true friends, and perhaps nudge some people into being better friends.

As a child, friends are playmates, small people whom which you spend your time and have fun being with. You share things, physical objects, with each other and make each other laugh and smile. There is not really discernment between a good and bad friend; as long as your playmates don’t abuse you physically, they are good friends.

As a youth, or young adult, the expectations and implications of friendship change along with ourselves. Your friends at this point are not only people you spend time with, but people you share your deepest thoughts and dreams with. Secrets are shared and memories are formed. At this point a friendship is much more of a relationship than at childhood. Emotional ties and barriers mold who our friends are, and in ways we change to take on small little traits of our friends, for they influence who we are internally. At this point in life there is a difference, you have friends, and you have acquaintances. People can mistake the two, even though not always until years later do they realize that a person whom they considered “friend” was actually only a mere acquaintance.

As an adult, our friendships change as we do, and again our expectations evolve. At this point not only do people have different expectations of their friends, but these expectations cannot truly be categorized, for we are all unique individuals, which is an amazing thing when you think about it. This means that although you may think someone as an acquaintance, their interpretation is that you are friends, sometimes even best friends. The closest friends are like family, and at times and in certain situations family takes a smaller role in your life.

Due to the variety of thinking, a personal view on what friendship is not “the norm” per say, but some may feel as I do. This is not to say I am a perfect friend, for I have realized over the course of my life that this is absolutely NOT the case. I have failed friends, which disturbs me deeply for that is not the type of person I ever intended to be, but we all learn from our mistakes and I have learned the hard way. But I dissemble…As an adult; a friend is probably one of the hardest jobs a person can have. But to truly be a real friend, there are several qualities someone should possess (my personal opinion). These are trustworthiness, honesty, thoughtfulness, empathy, and dependability.

How does a person deem trustworthy? Friends share and keep secrets and problems, things at times that could otherwise eat a hole in someone as they keep it inside. Having a friend means you have someone you trust to tell these secrets to, knowing (or thinking) that they will keep your confidences. Consider it a personal therapy of sorts. No judgment is made and at times crucial advice is given. A friend is a non-paid therapist, sometimes a much better one than people whom are paid to do so. Unfortunately, since by nature human beings are imperfect, some “friends” can’t keep said confidences. Does this push them into the non-friend category? Not necessarily, that depends on the circumstances. Is it done to be petty and/or vindictive, or is it out of frustration and/or an attempt to help?

Why mention honesty, when that should be obvious, and perhaps a part of trustworthiness? Some people feel that at times sugarcoating the truth is better than being honest about “little things”. Honesty, to me, is one of the most important values a friend has, and an incredibly hard thing for a person (being human) to stick to. This is why honesty is its own category, because they are indeed two separate ideas, although trustworthiness can partially be judged by whether your friends are honest or not…. However if they are not honest do you really know? Food for thought there. Honesty can hurt sometimes though, for if a friend tells you the truth, it is not always what you want to hear. From my perspective, I would prefer hearing what may be hard to hear rather than be embarrassed or hurt at a later time because my friend didn’t want to “hurt my feelings”, or “didn’t know how to say it”.

What is thoughtfulness? The first part of this is listening and remembering the “little” things such as favorite things, birthdays, interests, and dislikes. Allow me to explain my mentality on this. Ever go somewhere, see something your friend likes, and pick it up because you know they would love it? Or in the opposite end of the spectrum, ever forget a friend’s birthday? If so you understand what thoughtfulness or the lack thereof can do to a friend. It makes them think you don’t care, when you should. Although people’s memories can fade, certain things should always remain in your memory. It shows the other person that you care, and think of them, even when they are not there with you.

When would a friend be empathic? Empathy is feeling someone’s emotions, in a nutshell. This is not to say that you would actually feel pain if a friend cut their finger while cutting a bagel, but more on an emotional level. When a friend is sad, happy, angry, etc… a true friend feels those emotions as well, sometimes just as much as your friend does. It is an emotional bond friends can have. They share your pain, because they are there to support you and guide you (and keep you sane at times).

Lastly, but not least is dependability. If you want true friend, you have to be one. This does not mean you have to be where they are, but if they need a friend to talk to or someone to help them and you are available to, be that umbrella over their head on a rainy day. be a positive force in your friends’ lives.

For my closing comments I would like to thank all the “umbrellas” I have/had in my life and want to let you all know that I do appreciate every memory we have shared or continue to share. And as for the 5 people who have influenced my life the most (You should know who you are JKJNE): Thank you for being a part of my life and no matter what, know that if we no longer keep in touch, I am sorry for any hurt I may have caused and hope that someday we will meet again and share more fond memories.